


Santa Baby

by Bulmaveg_Otaku



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: 2018 Shieldshock Christmas Fic Exchange, F/M, Inapropriate Cookie Decoration, Language, Meet-Cute, ShieldShock - Freeform, This author does not condone the harassment and assault of Santa, drink responsibly, or any other celebrity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 05:39:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17339594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bulmaveg_Otaku/pseuds/Bulmaveg_Otaku
Summary: 2018 Shieldshock Christmas Gift Fic for grimeysociety.Darcy gets tipsy at a Stark Christmas party and starts making bad decisions





	Santa Baby

**Author's Note:**

  * For [grimeysociety](https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimeysociety/gifts).



> For grimeysociety
> 
> Beta'd by the lovely Nix (Phoenix-173) All mistakes and examples of bad behavior belong to me!
> 
> Enjoy!

Soooooooooooo- she hadn’t been, like, _drunk_ drunk.

 

Darcy had only had the two drinks, a perfectly blended eggnog and a super yummy caramel apple martini, and then she nursed a light beer which she planned on doing for an hour or so, at least. So, she was just that side of the perfect buzz. Sure, the room had occasionally tilted slightly, but that was different then then it spinning, so she figured she was fine!

 

Hence the idea for sitting on Santa’s lap could only have come from her twisted sense of humor and slightly perverted delight, and could not be blamed on intoxication.

 

She had been enjoying some “Jingle Bell Rock” and shaking her thang on the dance floor, beer in hand, when the jolly St. Nick had made his entrance- large red sack, jingle bells, and red and green decked elf helpers all in tow. Thor had laughed loudly at something Jane said, and Darcy had turned to watch, distracted by the sound and the sly look of triumph on Jane’s face, and had missed the festive entourage moving to set up near the massive, (and totally not overcompensating for anything),  Christmas tree.

 

She spent a moment basking in the blissful Thor and Jane moment. She was so happy those two crazy kids had managed to patch things up after all the craziness of the last few years was over and not just because it got her an invitation to this rocking party with the best open bar ever. Her Thane moment was interrupted then, and she paused her dancing when the music faded out and Tony Motherfucking Stark Himself, stepped up onto the makeshift stage and started making his announcement.

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaat which point Darcy noticed a spot open up at the sugar cookie decorating table and she wasted no time zipping over before the hole closed up again. She probably should have been paying more attention to the host of the party as he gave his spiel, but she was utterly engrossed with squeezing out tubes of green and red frosting onto her cookie. By the time she was finished, so was Tony, and she held up her snowman cookie, complete with anatomically correct frosting anatomy, and wondered if she was more of a perv for drawing the icing genitalia, or for taking delight in eating them.

 

In the end, it was a toss-up.

 

Darcy bit the head off with a grin and then made her way over to the line forming for Stark’s santa. While she waited, she texted Jane.

 

_Hey, Janie! Watch this!_

 

**_What are you doing, Darcy?_ **

 

Jane’s text accompanied a mildly disapproving look from her place next to Thor.

 

_Do you think Santa will put me on the nice or the naughty list?_

 

Jane’s eye roll was visible from across the crowded party. Dacy watched Thor lean down and whisper into Jane’;s ear, before lifting his large stein in salute to her.

 

**_Thor says have fun._ **

 

**_I say whatever you’re up to, just don’t give Santa an awkward boner, okay?_ **

 

Darcy’s giggle was only a wee bit devious.

 

_Who said anything about awkward?_

 

And then it was her turn.

 

Most of the party guests before her had only posed with the Santa as an elf in glittery red and green snapped a photo. She wasn’t overly concerned with photographic evidence of her shenanigans, but she wouldn’t mind the souvenir of her exploits, provided she didn’t make a total fool of herself. Or did. Whatever. She wasn’t above laughing at herself for amusement.

 

When she plopped down onto one red velvet clad thigh, her first thought was that it was far more solid and muscular than a man reputed to be a milk and cookies addict had any right to be. Her second thought was delight in the stunned expression that flashed into his blue eyes was visible even behind the huge, fake, white beard. He was just starting to recover, shifting slightly beneath her and settling his arm around her hip when his eyes fell on the remains of the snowman cookie with its exposed twig and berries.

 

With a laser like focus, she raised the cookie and bit right into the bottom circle, chewing with a grin as she devoured the majority of the iced dangly bits. The resulting face journey was both entertaining as fuck and intriguing as all get out. There was the expected confusion, the curious recognition, slack-jawed surprise at her audacious mastication, and then an unexpected twinkle of mischief. Finally, and most interesting of all, there was a wandering gaze as a couple of crumbs broke off the remaining cookie and tumbled down into her exposed cleavage.

 

Santa’s sparkling blue eyes lingered only a moment, but when they returned to her face, Darcy was prepared with her best “Oh, really” eyebrow raise. She almost choked on her cookie when his eyebrow answered with its own “Yeah, so?” lift.   

 

“Ho, ho, ho?” she asked, once her mouth was empty, (she wasn’t a total animal), and felt him shake beneath her with silent laughter.

 

“That’s usually my line,” he replied and she was pleased to find his voice deep and rich, and not being forced into a belly-laughing baritone.

 

“Well, I suppose you can add  thief to my naughty list. It’s quite extensive. I’m really just here to beg for mercy. Coal burning is so last century, and really bad for the environment, after all,” Darcy drawled.

 

“Well, at least I can add Carbon footprint conscientious to your nice list,” he acquiesced, “though, on second thought, I’m not sure that’s how Santa’s list work.”

 

“ _Well_ , you should look at changing your policy. I’m a complex individual, you know. I can be both naughty and nice, given different circumstances, and I resent the all or nothing standard of unattainable perfection. People screw up. We should still get fun things for Christmas.”

 

Had Jane been standing there, she would have recognized Darcy’s debate voice. It was very similar to her spoiling-for-a-fight voice, but a pro could still recognize the subtle differences. For the one thing, her eyes were bright and friendly, and, for another, she didn’t immediately scold him for glancing back down her shirt when she daintily plucked a crumb from insider her shirt collar and flicked it onto the floor.

 

The poor guy cleared his throat slightly and shifted again, the hand on her hip snug, but not groping. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he muttered with a small smile on his face.

 

“Cool.”

 

Darcy popped the last of her cookie into her mouth and then used her now free hand to smooth down the front of the fur-clad velvet of his bright red jacket. He’d chosen to forego the traditional padding, for which she could only wholeheartedly approve. The solid muscles beneath her fingertips made her want to purr. After swallowing she patted his left pectoral appreciatively.

 

“Nice suit, by the way. Looks a little warm for the occasion, though. You sure you don’t wanna strip some of that off? You’d probably be more comfortable,” she teased.

 

A voice behind her chuckled and added, “You do look like you’re start’n to sweat there a bit, man.”

 

Santa’s head snapped up and the look he gave was much less friendly then what he’d been bestowing to her. When she turned, Darcy beheld a handsome, smiling elf with dark skin and a bright smile. He winked at her cheerfully and she gave him a little wave.

 

“Hey, Lewis!” someone else called before she could respond and she turned to see the elf behind the camera giving her a playful scowl. “You wanna stop fondling big red, here, so I can take your picture? I’ve got a line forming and we gotta keep things moving.”

 

“Barton?! Is that you?” Darcy asked as she laughed. “I didn’t recognize you, what with the ears and the festive onesie. Did you use the ears from your Legolas cosplay? Or did those come with the Santa’s Little Helper kit?”

 

Clint rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, but Darcy could tell he was totally laughing on the inside. “Fuck off, Lewis,” he groaned.

 

“Language!” came a third, new voice, that she didn’t recognize, and the dark-haired, scruffy looking man attached to it seemed to materialize from the shadow behind the tree.

 

“Fuck you, too, Barnes,” Clint laughed, and plucked a candy cane from his front pocket and threw it with deadly accuracy at the man’s face. Which he promptly caught, unwrapped, and popped into his mouth.

 

“Wait a second!” The first elf exclaimed and stepped around to stand between her and the camera. “Lewis? As in Darcy Lewis? Foster’s Assistant?”

 

“The one and only,” Darcy nodded proudly and held out her hand. “And you are?”

 

“Sam Wilson,” he answered, shaking her hand firmly. “And I see all the legends are true.”

 

Darcy couldn’t help but grin at the praise before her brain caught up to her. “Sam Wilson? As in the Falcon?!”

 

“The one and only,” he said as he chuckled, hands on his hips and the bells on his hat jingling as merrily as his laugh.

 

Barton was here. And Wilson, apparently, and there was scruffy over by the tree… Clint had called him Barnes.

 

Something clicked.

 

Darcy’s eyes darted over, and sure enough, Tall, Dark, and Broody was wielding a metal arm that peaked out from under the cuff of his sweater.

 

But that meant…

 

When her eyes drifted back to meet those of good ol’ Saint Nick, she traced the patriotic line of his brow and nose and jaw beneath the curly white beard and gulped.

 

Yep.

 

She was definitely sitting in Captain America’s lap.

 

“You can call me Steve,” he said with a shy tilt of his head.

 

Yep.

 

She had definitely said that out loud.

 

Fuck.

 

“Language,” Barnes called again, around his candy cane.

 

“Shut it, Barnes. Guys that don’t wear the gear don’t get to stand around and make comments from the peanut gallery,” Sam said, walking over to the Winter Soldier and giving him a playful(ish? Maybe?) shove back towards the shadows. “Go lurk somewhere else, Scrooge.”

 

“Bah humbug,” Barnes muttered with a smirk and shot her a wink before he shuffled off. “At least I don’t look like a Macy’s display window puked all over me… It’s called self-respect, Wilson. Maybe Santa'll get you some for Christmas.”

 

Clint cleared his throat and she looked up to find him grinning mischievously at her from behind the camera. “Ready to pick up your jaw and say cheese?”

 

Darcy shrugged. “Sure.”

 

“Okay then, count of three! One!”

 

Darcy looped an arm around Santa Steve’s shoulder.

 

“Two!”

 

“In for a penny,” she muttered to herself and closed her eyes, leaning in.

 

“What?” Cap asked and turned his head, just as Barton shouted three and there was a bright flash.

 

She’d only meant to kiss his cheek, she swore!

 

Darcy didn’t know it was possible to be both mortified and triumphant at the same time. Apparently it was.

 

“Oops!” she laughed awkwardly after pulling her lips off his. “Sorry, not sorry?”

 

She could only look into Steve Roger’s eyes and think about how beautiful they were, how his mouth felt pressed to hers.

 

She had to get out of there.

 

“Bye!”  Darcy jumped up suddenly and walked off, calling, “Make sure I get a copy of that, Barton!” as she disappeared into the crowd.

  
  
*

***

*****

********

*************

*

*

 

When Steve caught up to her the next day, he was even more handsome in white t-shirt and jeans and Darcy babbled excuse after excuse as she apologized profusely for assaulting him, which he graciously told her wasn’t necessary.

 

Then he asked her to dinner.

 

Their first date was lovely, despite the bank robbery that pulled him away before she had a chance to order dessert. Their first _real_ kiss was even better than their _first_ first kiss. Their first night together was fun and awkward and magical, much like the first time they met.

 

Darcy hung the photo on her wall and told everyone that asked how she had harassed and assaulted Santa and how him still wanting to ask her out afterward was the best Christmas Miracle a girl could ask for.

 

It wasn’t until a year later, when she found a small black box in her stocking and said emphatically yes that Steve explained what really happened that night.

 

He’d known exactly what he was doing when he turned his head. Of course.

 

“You little shit!” Darcy exclaimed.

 

“Language!” Steve exclaimed back, eyes twinkling again.

 

Despite this revelation, Darcy still agreed to marry him, and they lived happily ever after.

 

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, mostly.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this was absolutely last minute! Writing has been a challenge for me lately, but I'm proud of this little fic and I hope you had fun reading it! Happy Holidays!


End file.
